Food for thought

21. At Toys Я Us stores in Russia, is there a forward "R" on the sign?

Put that cookie down!

I can't take credit for finding this (it's been around the intertubes for a while), but I just can't get this song out of my head. I love Arnold's strange facial expressions.

Food for thought

20. There is a Facebook group called Proud to be a Christian, and I just saw a Facebook status urging people to be proud of being Christians. Proud to be a Christian? Is it just me, or does this sound a little odd?

To me, being "proud" of being a Christian sounds a little like being "proud" of one's ethnic heritage. Worse yet, it sounds as if, by becoming Christians, Christians have performed some great feat that they should be proud of. This is completely antithetical to the message of the gospel, which is that we cannot save ourselves and desperately need God's grace.

Food for thought

19. I think I will start an online dating site for feminists. Maybe I could call it Fish Meets Bicycle.

Spam can be fun!

When I created this blog, I opened a new email account that I use to communicate with people on this blog and to receive alerts when readers leave comments. Since this email address is posted on my blog, I get occasional spam emails. Usually, these emails are from aspiring scam artists in Africa somewhere, who think they are the first clever people ever to come up with the idea. Sometimes it's fun to send back a sarcastic response. Here's my latest.

He wrote:

Greetings ,

Before I introduce myself, I wish to inform you that this letter is not a hoax mail and I urge you to treat it serious. We want to transfer to overseas account ($160,000.000.00 ) One hundrend and sixty million US DOLLARS from a prime Bank here in Abidjan. I want to ask you, If you are not capable to quietly look for a reliable and honest person who will be capable and fit to provide either an existing bank account or to set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this money, even an empty a/c can serve to receive this money, as long as you will remain honest to me till the end for this important business trusting in you and believing in God that you will never let me down either now or in future

I am Mr.Scott Wright , presently promoted to Auditor General in one of the banks here in Abijian cote d'ivore . During the course of our auditing last week, I discovered a floating fund in an account opened in the bank in 2006 and since 2009 nobody has operated on this account again, after going through some old files in the records I discovered that the owner of the account died without a [Heir/WILL] hence the money is floating and if I do not remit this money out urgently it will be forfeited for nothing. The owner of this account is Mr. Keith Lathan an American and a great industrialist and a resident of Alaska State, who unfortunately lost his life in the Auto crash in Alaska , which crashed on January 31 2007, including his wife and only daughter leaving nobody to claim the money . No other person knows about this account or any thing concerning it, the account has no other beneficiary and my investigation proved to me as well that the account is a secret account.

The total amount involved is One hundrend and sixty million US DOLLARS only [160,000.000.00 DOLLARS ] and we wish to transfer this money into a safe foreigners account abroad. But I don't know any foreigner; I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money cannot be approved to a local person here, but to a foreigner who has information about the account, which I shall give to you upon your positive response. I am revealing this to you with believe in God that you will never let me down in this business, you are the first and the only person that I am contacting for this business, so please reply urgently so that I will inform you the next step to take urgently. I need your strong assurance that you will never let us down, me and a key bank official who is deeply involved with me in this business.

I guarantee you that this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. The bank official will destroy all documents of the transaction immediately you receive this money leaving no trace to any place. I will use my position and influence to obtain all legal approvals for onward transfer of this money to your account with appropriateclearance from the relevant ministries and foreign exchange departments .

At the conclusion of this business, you will be given 30% of the total amount, 70% will be for us. PLEASE, TREAT THIS PROPOSAL AS TOP SECRET.I look forward to your earliest reply,Best RegardsScott wright .

My reply:

Dear Scott,

I extend my condolences to you regarding the death of your friend Mr. Lathan and his family. I also knew them well. Keith was a hunting buddy of mine. We had some great times hunting mountain goats in Alaska State, as you call it. We also enjoyed working on our Autos together.

Please rest assured that it did not even cross my mind that this kind offer of $48,000,000 (30% of 160 million) is a hoax. I treat this kind of thing very "serious". This kind of thing happens all the time in the US. In fact, this is how I became a multi-millionaire myself. At least once a month, some generous Nigerian guy inherits a large fortune and needs to use my bank account. In return, he gives me a portion of his inheritance. Soon I will have enough money to become a successful industrialist, just like our late friend Keith Lathan. I am already extremely wealthy, so my share would have to be worth AT LEAST $48,000,000.01 to be worth my while.

I am a little confused, though. Why would you want to transfer your money to a bank here in the states? You said yourself that you work for a "prime" bank in Abidjan. I don't think we even have "prime banks" in the US. Oh, the creativity and innovation of you Cote D'Ivoirians! And I thought my country was advanced with our prime rib, prime numbers, prime time TV, and Optimus Prime. You have a good thing going for you! You should not abandon your prime bank for an ordinary US bank. Maybe you should explore the untapped banking market in Nigeria. All those wealthy heirs that contact me seem to have great difficulty in finding a prime bank where they can deposit their vast wealth, hence all the emails I receive from them.

I also get occasional emails from some kind people who are concerned about the size of my penis. If you have time, please inform those selfless individuals that it's big enough and that they can stop offering me their products. (I thought that maybe you guys know each other since your emails both appear in my Spam folder.)

Scott, I wish you luck in finding a person who will accept this no-strings-attached gift of $48,000,000.

Food for thought

18. I think it would be pretty hilarious if Chad Ochocinco (formerly Chad Johnson) of the Cincinnati Bengals got traded to the Detroit Lions. The Lions have retired the number 85, which belonged to Chuck Hughes. I am guessing that the narcissistic Ochocinco would change his name again to Ochocuatro or something like that.

God and the false doctrine of "shit happens"

In the movie Forrest Gump, Forrest unwittingly coins a familiar phrase after stepping in a steaming dog pile. The phrase "shit happens" is a resignation that bad things happen, with no rhyme or reason, to good people and bad people alike. As I observe the world around me, it's hard to dispute this. Things like cancer, job loss, and natural disasters can affect anyone, with no regard to their moral uprightness. Sometimes evil people even seem to be rewarded. The Psalmist laments:

This is what the wicked are like— always carefree, they increase in wealth. Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. [Psalms 73:12-13]

Many people are reluctant to attribute pain and suffering to God because they think it would be beneath his loving nature. After all, God is love. I have been one of those people.

It sounds like you are waxing philosphical, Some Dude.

I would recognize that snide, insulting voice anywhere. That sounds like my favorite literary device, the Devil's Advocate.

Yes, I am your Devil's Advocate. I--

--You talk to me when I am thinking about things, just to keep me honest. We know. You've said it three times now.

You broke the fourth wall.

I'm sorry...what did I do?

The fourth wall. It's a theatrical term for the imaginary plane which separates the audience from the actors on stage. The audience views the actors through the fourth wall. When an actor breaks character by speaking directly to the audience, he breaks the fourth wall. Just a few seconds ago, you referred to me as a literary device, thereby admitting that I am not a real person.

You're a pretty useful literary device, too. I'm glad that I thought of you. In this conversation, I am going to express a few doubts that I have had about God and how he works. To avoid giving my readers the idea that I fully endorse these ideas, I am going to put these words into your mouth.

So, you're making me out to be the bad guy?

I...guess you could say that.

Asshole.

Um...okay. Well, sorry about the fourth wall thing. I will try not to do that again. It must be kind of distracting to the readers. I am absolutely not talking to myself. I am having a conversation with a friend who really exists, just like any rational, well-adjusted adult would do. I am not crazy, really. I...forgot what I was talking about. I guess I was too busy descending into madness.

MADNESS????

No, Leonidas. No. No. Please...just...go away. There's only room for one literary device here, and you're not it. I promise that I'll say the word "madness" some other time. Then you can come back and deliver some variation on your signature catch phrase.

Um...excuse me. The fourth wall.

Right. Sorry. That's the last time I will forget, I promise.

So, what were you talking about before I showed up?

Well, I was just talking about the randomness of the world.

That's deep, man.

The world would make a lot more sense if God were a clockmaker.

Pardon me, but what on earth are you talking about? Are you saying that you want God to make clocks? You're a weirdo.

No, no. I think you are being deliberately obtuse with me. There are some people who acknowledge the existence of Creator God but do not think that he interacts with his creation. To them, he is like a clockmaker who made a clock and left it to run by itself, only returning to wind the clock occasionally. C.S. Lewis also used the analogy of a game of chess. He said that in a casual game of chess, a player may occasionally allow his opponent to take back a move, but if his opponent is allowed to indiscriminately take back moves, pretty soon you don't have a game of chess anymore.

And if God indiscriminately changes the effects of our actions, then soon our actions are pretty much meaningless.

Yeah, that's exactly what I thought when I read that book by C.S. Lewis. I think I sort of misinterpreted his point to mean that God would not interfere with his creation because it would violate the "rules" of life. Also, Lewis posed the question of what life would be like if the laws of physics were such that it were impossible to harm another person. For example, what if a piece of wood became soft if it were used as a weapon? Again, I sort of misinterpreted what he was saying. My reasoning was that intervention by God would nullify the consequences of our actions, and therefore, detract from our free will.

Then, I read a book by Jerry Bridges. He made a convincing argument from the scriptures that God is in complete control over his creation. Of course, I knew this already. What I thought, though, was that God voluntarily restrains his power out of respect for our free will. If you look at scripture, you will see that this is not the case. The scripture, in passage after passage, describes not only how God can, but how God does.

Yeah, so, what does this have to do with Forrest Gump and clockmakers?

Well, one overarching theme throughout the scripture is that God actively rules over his creation. Everything that occurs is within his perfect will.

Wait just a minute! Does that mean Hurricane Katrina was part of God's perfect will? How about that girl who was in the news recently who was raped and forced to live with her kidnappers for eighteen years? Was that part of God's will? If you believe that, then you are even dumber than I thought you were. Do you even listen to the crap that comes out of your mouth? There is no way that God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-loving. Only two of these could possibly be true at the same time. A loving God would not allow these injustices. You're just unbelieveable, you know that? Go thump your Bible somewhere else, you nut.

Look, I am not saying this lightly. I know this is a hard thing to believe. In fact, I'm not quite sure I believe it myself. Many people find this hard to believe. That's why theologians have been performing mental gymnastics for centuries to explain away God's sovereignty. It's much, much easier to agree with Forrest, throw up my hands, and say "shit happens". It's much easier to think of God as a clockmaker. That way, bad things that happen to me are nothing personal. Getting mad at God for my hardships would make about as much sense as getting mad at the dice for making me land on Boardwalk with a hotel. But if the Bible says that God is all three of these things that you mentioned before, then we must trust him.

Trust him? TRUST HIM?? God is a vindictive, capricious egomaniac! Sure, the Bible says, "God is love", but actions speak louder than words. Look at what he did to his faithful servant Job, just to win a cosmic pissing match. If that's how God treats his friends...then why the hell would I want to be his friend? Look what he did to his own son, for crying out loud!!

...

And aren't you grateful that he did it? That act alone should remove all doubt from your mind of God's love for us. Even when we suffer, we can know that he suffered more, and he knows what we are experiencing. DA, it's really easy to trust God in good times. It's much harder in bad times, when "shit" is "happening" for no apparent reason, and you can't see those things working "for the good of those who love him." I want to tell you about a book that I read recently: The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller. I think I have misread the Parable of the Prodigal Son for most of my life.

In this book, Keller says that the focus of the parable is actually the older son, not the younger son. The audience of Pharisees probably would have been indignant that the father in the story would lavish his love on the unworthy rebellious son and sympathize with the obedient older son, who was also indignant. When I have heard this story discussed in Sunday school and sermons, the focus is usually on the forgiveness offered to the younger son and the resentment that the older son feels toward his brother when he should be glad that his brother has returned. This is only part of the point of the story. When the father throws a huge party to celebrate the safe return of his younger son, the older son refuses to join them and addresses his father disrespectfully. He says,

'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'

As Timothy Keller points out, this quote reveals the older son's true motives for his obedience. He was in it for the goods, not for the intrinsic value of pleasing his father. In other words, he wanted his father's possessions, but he did not want the father himself.

This is a really tough thing to guard against, DA. When you believe that God controls the events which occur in this world, then it's possible to resent him when bad things happen to you. But if you become resentful and rebel against him during the bad times, it reveals the true condition of your heart. It just shows that you were only obeying him during the good times so that God would owe his blessings to you as a reward for your faithfulness, just like the older brother in the parable. The problem with this thinking is that it is impossible to put God in our debt. I hope that helps, DA...DA?

I tuned out about a minute ago. Whatever you were talking about, it was probably ridiculous, just like the rest of this idiotic conversation. You should get your head out of the clouds and the see the world as it really is, Some Dude. I think I've wasted enough time here today. See ya.

...

Wow. That has...uh...never happened to me before. To the rest of you people who were listening in on this conversation...do you have any thoughts?